Confession Time.

Things are changing very fast, again for me. Life has once again thrown me a curveball and I’ve been hit.

My wife confessed to me the other day that she is in love with another man. A corporate type white man from England who’s slightly younger than her. They have been in a relationship for the past few months and she tells me to accept that she is only having fun and it is not serious (yet...in her own words); but she misses and loves the other person very much every day.

The reason she is telling me is because she doesn't want me to hear it from others first and hopefully by telling me herself, not cause me too much pain and heart sick.

Ouch.

This is not the first time that she has strayed as throughout our 23 years of marriage she had always had something on the side, every now and then, as have I.

But, we always knew our priorities was the marriage and family & we always came back home every night.

But this is the first time she is confessing she loves the other party.               Even when she was with anthony she never did that. This is also the first time, every time she mentions that other bloke her face lights up and she smiles without her knowing it. This time I'm anxious, frightened & worried all at once.

I can't sleep nor eat as i keep imagining this other person to be michelle's knight in shining armor come to sweep her away from us to fun and frolic leaving me bitter and lost as all along the years, I’ve always been the one to keep her happy. Because i knew inside her she ultimately was happy only with me.

I am writing this down because i understand that is no longer the case.

My pain needs an outlet to vent and this is as best a place as any for me to do that.

I want to say that I will survive; that i can as usual, win my wife\partner back to me.... but this time I’m not confident anymore.

I have always allowed michelle to have full control of her own desires & wants through access and control of both our finances so much so that i live out of the allowance that she provides me weekly as a way of making her confident in me and our ways. All our money, assets and valuables are in her name and control.

I took pride in the fact that i had nothing when i was born, I rose out of the poor house to fulfill all my family responsibilities and together with michelle managed to create a warm loving atmosphere in my santo sanctorum,(Family) and i will leave this earth without anything; but it looks like in my waning sunset days that is not quite enough to hold on to my wife's love and attention. She has learned to want more out of life.

She wants to enjoy the attention, love and pursuit of other men outside of our marriage.  She also wants me to accept her for what she is. She promised she still be responsible to our kids and family; will look after our responsibilities and welfare; and wants me to accept her back after she has had her fling (in case it doesn't work out); she wants me to be around to accept her back; so because of that she doesn't want us to talk of separation or anything like that.

God, i am bleeding in angst out here.

The anxiety of thinking of all the possible future dark days and outcome sickens me. How,what,when ...these questions begs an answer i cannot predict.

Last night, my wife told me thinking too much into these situation is not good for me and that I am worrying myself sick over something trivial. HUH ?

I am at a loss but ultimately believe god will show me a way. He will continue to guide and protect me in my moment of frustration and anxiety. Ask and he will provide.

I am gonna stop writing now to go throw up.