The day's bright, large cloudless vista in the sky in front of me as I peek outside to see the Bukit Bruang Hill rise majestically over the horizon helps to give a calming sense of certainty within me in these troubling times.
A month plus after discovering of my wife's need for love with another man, after a month plus of talking to her, advising her, pleading with her to remain faithfully in love with me and our family; my wife still brings ache and frustration to my heart with her continuous insistence to maintain her relationship with her new man,Andrew Johnson, a 41 year old divorcee from Britain.
In my head I know I'm being used and the trouble now is she still admits to wanting to remain married to me while exploring / continuing with the other man as she realises she should not let me go, for now; as she does not know andrew's true heart just yet and what possibilities the future holds for her with him. (with me she still cries and gets emotional while telling me that she is sorry and extremely guilty that she is doing this to me but she needs time to sort out her feelings for andrew and how I SHOULD TRUST HER that she will always continue to remain as my wife and mother to our kids-- which means even the off chance that she may be telling the truth this time is a straw of a chance that I must grasp with all my heart and power.)
It's silly of me to allow her to do this to me but 23 + + years of living as husband and wife has made my heart very forgiving when it comes to matters relating to her. She knows this.But for the sake of my kids and our marriage of almost 2 1/2 decades, I must live with this indignity until a foregone conclusion is reached so as not to bring hurt to my daughter/sons and the House Gunabalan.
Right now, I'm hoping that by lavishing my attention and desires unto her, she will notice that we still love her, need her and want her & that we want her love as a wife & mother to remain with us. Even though she admits that it is difficult for her to remain honest and truthful to me, even though after a weekend of making love and frolicking in bed with me (someday up to 3 hours at a stretch); on Monday she contacts andrew and gushes how she missed him terribly over the weekend.
(I know because we still talk in bed and I've sometimes managed to get her to reveal her true feelings albeit in moderated manner)
She obviously knows that she holds the trump card in our relationship and that is why she continues in this manner, though in many ways she insists that I should allow her time to get him out of her mind.
I can see that it is sometimes difficult and stressful for her to forget about him while at home with us although it seems easy for the other man.( it is apparent now to me that Michelle is the one who is chasing after him and continues to try make him miss her too).
It is a very confusing situation.
There are days when my emotions are strong and I consider the possibility of life after michelle for me and my kids. I look at myself and I wonder why I should be worried. Even at 45, I can still be considered good looking, suave and a mysterious enough man for other women. With my good nature and my strong passion; I'm sure there will be someone out there who can love me wholeheartedly and who I can give my heart to without being afraid of being cheated.
These days are few and little in between but i will train and ready myself to expect the unexpected and change.I have to learn not to reminisce about the past and concentrate more on a better future ahead.
It is difficult most other days as my heart still pines for the lost love and care that michelle reserves in her heart nowdays for that other man while continuing to live and sleep with me.
Rudyard Kipling once wrote
“… If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken/
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools/
Or, being lied about/
Don't deal in lies/
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it”
This would be my last entry on this subject, because time has made me realise this whole situation is something that I can and will overcome,one way or another. As God is MY CONSTANT COMPANION and GUIDE, I truly believe he knows what I need and what is right ; I believe he will not put me through this without some plans to strengthen my will and character for a future much better than today, and so I shall remain strong.
Both in faith and deed.
God Bless us all.
No comments:
Post a Comment