How Michelle Wong Continues to break my heart.

The blooming wild flowers, the caress of the swaying, whispering warm afternoon winds and the grand views of the different colors of the shrubs & greenery accompanying the gaiety of the humming bees and loud chirping birds helps drown out my sorrows as I look out my front door unto the outside world careening past me.

The day's bright, large cloudless vista in the sky in front of me as I peek outside to see the Bukit Bruang Hill   rise majestically over the horizon helps to give a calming sense of certainty within me in these troubling times.

A month plus after discovering of my wife's need for love with another man, after a month plus of talking to her, advising her, pleading with her to remain faithfully in love with me and our family; my wife still brings ache and frustration to my heart with her continuous insistence to maintain her relationship with her new man,Andrew Johnson, a 41 year old divorcee from Britain.

In my head I know I'm being used and the trouble now is she still admits to wanting to remain married to me while exploring / continuing with the other man as she realises she should not let me go, for now; as she does not know andrew's true heart just yet and what possibilities the future holds for her with him. (with me she still cries and gets emotional while telling me that she is sorry and extremely guilty that she is doing this to me but she needs time to sort out her feelings for andrew and how I SHOULD TRUST HER that she will always continue to remain as my wife and mother to our kids--  which means even the off chance that she may be telling the truth this time is a straw of a chance that I must grasp with all my heart and power.)

It's silly of me to allow her to do this to me but 23 + + years of living as husband and wife has made my heart very forgiving when it comes to matters relating to her. She knows this.

But for the sake of my kids and our marriage of almost 2 1/2 decades, I must live with this indignity until a foregone conclusion is reached so as not to bring hurt to my daughter/sons and the House Gunabalan.

Right now, I'm hoping that by lavishing my attention and desires unto her, she will notice that we still love her, need her and want her & that we want her love as a wife & mother to remain with us. Even though she admits that it is difficult for her to remain honest and truthful to me, even though after a weekend of  making love and frolicking in bed with me (someday up to 3 hours at a stretch); on Monday she contacts andrew and gushes how she missed him terribly over the weekend.

(I know because we still talk in bed and I've sometimes managed to get her to reveal her true feelings albeit in moderated manner)

She obviously knows that she holds the trump card in our relationship and that is why she continues in this manner, though in many ways she insists that I should allow her time to get him out of her mind.

I can see that it is sometimes difficult and stressful for her to forget about him while at home with us although it seems easy for the other man.( it is apparent now to me that Michelle is the one who is chasing after him and continues to try make him miss her too).

It is a very confusing situation.

There are days when my emotions are strong and I consider the possibility of life after michelle for me and my kids. I look at myself and I wonder why I should be worried. Even at 45,  I can still be considered good looking, suave and a mysterious enough man for other women. With my good nature and my strong passion; I'm sure there will be someone out there who can love me wholeheartedly and who I can give my heart to without being afraid of being cheated.

These days are few and little in between but i will train and ready myself to expect the unexpected and change.I have to learn not to reminisce about the past and concentrate more on a better future ahead.

It is difficult most other days as my heart still pines for the lost love and care that michelle reserves in her heart nowdays for that other man while continuing to live and sleep with me.

Rudyard Kipling once wrote

 “… If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken/

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools/

Or, being lied about/

Don't deal in lies/

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it”

This would be my last entry on this subject, because time has made me realise this whole situation is something that I can and will overcome,one way or another. As God is MY CONSTANT COMPANION and GUIDE, I truly believe he knows what I need and what is right ; I believe he will not put me through this without some plans to strengthen my will and character for a future much better than today, and so I shall remain strong.

Both in faith and deed.

God Bless us all.

A nice write up from Job Street Malaysia

Branding plays a huge role in our consumer-based society.

The perception you have of companies and the products you purchase tie directly back to how you perceive the brand. Many people only associate branding with large organizations - those that sell goods to consumers or clients. 

Branding, however, plays a critical role in how you, as an individual, are perceived, especially at work.

Whether you are aware of it or not, you have a personal brand - and like a business, you should continually assess, manage, and fine-tune it.

Branding is important for anyone looking to advance in their career or seeking a job. To this end, defining your brand begins with one core element - how you want to be perceived by the outside world. 

Everything from what you wear, how you present yourself, to your knowledge and your network will define you as a brand. And you do have control over your brand image.

You may not be aware of it, but you are in fact defining and selling yourself as a brand on daily basis, especially on the job. Presenting yourself in a positive light with your managers, working towards a promotion, or simply interacting with colleagues, are all ways in which you showcase yourself as a brand. And if you are on an interview, personal branding comes into play here as well.

Personal branding begins with defining your brand. How do you want others to perceive you? Start with how you present yourself.
 First impressions count and they are usually made by what you wear. Just like packaging may subconsciously lead you to like one brand over the other, how you dress says a lot about you as a brand. It’s always important to maintain your own style, but you should also dress appropriately for your workplace. And if you want career advancement or are seeking a specific job, dress for that role.

Be mindful of the impression you make. If you aspire to advance in your career, define this as part of your personal branding. Dress accordingly. Maintain a positive attitude. Look to colleagues or other associates who have traits that you would like to align with your own brand, and follow their lead.

Translate your personal brand to your resume, and online profiles from LinkedIn to Facebook. Keep the information consistent throughout all your networks and always up to date. As a general rule, asses continually look at these materials and asses how they are being presented. 

Build your network. The old adage, "it’s not what you know but who you know," goes a long way in personal branding. If you are interested in advancing your career, or looking to pursue a job in a new field, connect with influencers in your industry. Attend events and get to know people. If you have an area of expertise, establish yourself as an expert by offering up your insights on blogs, online posts, or if pertinent to your job, articles and published reports. The same holds true for job seekers. Network with prospective employers and promote your brand.

Put your personality in your personal brand. 

If you have a sense of humor, showcase it. 

Maintain a positive attitude. 

And most importantly, be real and always present yourself in the best of light – on and off the job. 


Remember, you are the brand.

Lunch with Madelina and Friends

Madelina called the other day to say HI ! and to enquire on my well being as she noted that I've been missed by the MTA gang recently. With the grand and successful completion of the recent Melaka Tourism Award Night last friday, yours truly was invited to Lunch with the supporters and  friends of the award night.

The lunch was held at  the internationally acknowledged , award winning Amy Heritage Kitchen in 

Melaka Raya and it was absolutely mouth watering and stomach busting ! 

Seriously Good stuff.

Appetizer Top Hats with  white radish, eggs and sprouts.
Very Crunchy !
Recommended.

White Rice served in authentic melaka style nyonya bakul sia

The delicious look and  smell of an authentic
 malaccan nyonya cooking dishes
on display for us to drool on.

Sambal Ikan Tenggiri.
Excellent fried fish with piquant hand mashed chillies fried with prawn paste

This was sent as the third dish:
Groundnut laced fried tauhu
with timun,bawang india ,shredded carrots
and chinese celery strands

The traditional vegetable dish :
 Nyonya Chap Chai
 (mixed salads)

Omellete with fermented prawn paste (cincalok)

Masak Lemak with kang kung, kobis cina , & daun keledek.
The santan and tamarind inclusion was just right making this curry sweet and tasty.

Sambal Petai Udang. Not too fiery, not too sweet. I liked.
Nowdays chefs like to cut the petai seed in half but I 've always preferred it whole !

This pengat is made out of Jantung Pisang (banana  heart).
It is difficult nowdays to find this dish as it is a very laborious process to make.
VERY TASTY !

fermented sweet rice for desserts
Complimentary of  Amy's (the owners)
(Tapai)

This was the first occasion I've committed time to join in with the MTA group, since the troubles of the heart that I've been encountering hit me and this excursion to lunch helps relieve my mind & to ease the troubles .
There is a whole wide world out there still  where I am welcomed in the bosom of friends and fellows.
I shall remember not to forget that.

Confessions 2

It's been 2 weeks plus since my wife confessed to me that she is in love with another man.

We have been discussing almost every night since on the effect and impact such a decision will have on our young family.Reasoning with her calmly, we remind each other the reason we married, our desires for each other fanning both our passion to succeed in life and love and where we stand today after 2 decade of loving each other.

She is in deep denial, from my point of view because she vehemently defends her love interest when ever I question his intentions and character for tempting another man's wife.

In our discussions, sometimes she obliges me by listening, agreeing and repeating that she still has an interest in me and our family, and would limit her contact with the other man but at the same hour I would see her discreetly sms Andrew, (sometimes in one day - both in the mornings & evenings!)

I've even tried explaining to her how even internet chats and phone chats are a way to fulfill her mind's wandering path, as it allows her to miss (rindu) the other man more because it makes her happy to sneak around like a teenager playing the game of love.

My wife allows me to inform her all my fears and worry but replies that while she is at home with me I must not concern myself with her extra curricular activities and that I should just enjoy our moment together.

She has tried to make me feel better by saying that if I only knew what went on in her head, I would be very surprised. She professed she has even imagined and thought what it would be like to allow me in bed with another woman and the three of us together.
I've asked her if she thought of  the other man when making love with me but she was quick to deny it which left me even more in wondering.

You see, she is aware given the fact that her mum did the same to her dad 20 years ago, she is not keen to repeat that sort of pain on our family but at the same time she wants to maintain her relationship with the other man and she promises to limit her phone call & internet chats until such time she can control her emotions for him better.

For the moment all I can do is to believe she will change her mind for all our sake's.
I will place my trust, hope and belief on her, again.
The past cannot be changed but I will hope the best for our future

Because if all it takes for another man to make her happy, excited and in love is to say he loves her and my wife of 23 ++ years is ready to respond to that man , it does not really say very much of me as her husband and lover,does it?


As we speak more on her insistence to keep contacting the other man, it dawns on me that my innocent, sweet wife is as much the chaser as that man. She gets her kick out of that relationship because of it's illicit nature and because she's safe in the knowledge I still love her and want her.

She is doing this because she has the opportunity to do it.

I have remained calm and compose for so long, hiding my pain and worry, because I was under the impression she still needed me to support her emotionally as my wife & it was my duty to safe guard her in our family's interest.

When I informed her yesterday of how I now feel, she finally admitted to me that she is doing what I feared the most (chasing the other man) and had lied and cheated me all along in her relationship and financial matters because she knew I trusted her completely and wanted the family to be stable. She admits she did all of the above because she was incapable of telling me the truth, fearing I would look down on her and because she thought she could control it and I need never know.

When we talk in our bed during these times she often cries ( and it makes me very sad to see her so emotional) tells me she understands my pain and worry and is sorry I felt this way, and never imagined she was capable of such betrayal but she now realizes that it is something she has committed although she never planned to do it but it was just that over the years,one small lie lead to another which lead to another and eventually lead her to this situation. She almost seems repentant to me.

She wants me to trust her once more, give her some time to get andrew out of her system and hopefully, in the future, i can inform and warn her whenever I see her straying away from us again.

When I asked her if she has grown tired of us as a couple and our quiet family life,she admits that is not the case and that she enjoys our love making time, which use to be every 3-4 times weekly before but because of all these new admissions, I've resorted to make her happy more frequently now days by concentrating on giving her longer and more oral pleasure and orgasms and increasing the frequency to 2 daily on the weekends when she spends more time with me.

Proud Grandparents with Baby Nicole

In retrospect, I take as much blame in her betrayal of our commitment as she does.

Maybe the fact that I'm very home centered makes for a boring husband.

 We discussed about spicing up our homely routine with excursions and dating out to help break any monotony and to add spice back into our after work hours. Many a time both of us vegetate and quarrel over who controls the remote whilst lazing about in bed and now we will try to talk to each other and communicate more rather than let the telly entertain us to boredom. 

I admit,even my friends come to see me at home when we want to drink or chit chat whereas guys my age  (and older) are all out there making a career,life and having fun for themselves and my wife said knowing I'm always at home, makes her not worry anymore. 

Hence the rationale to seek excitement and entertainment outside.

                                I pray God will help me go through this episode with dignity and courage.

07/11/2012 Mum's Birthday Celebration

This week also saw mum celebrating her 73rd birthday here with  us; the happy occasion slightly marred by her  recent decision to  undergo an eye operation on her left cornea. The end results were not to her expectation but with time and natural healing, hopefully she would be able to enjoy better sight soon.

Here's wishing to better eye sight,mum !

The grandchildren were all present  to wish her continuous health and happiness and the contented smile she was not able to stop brought much joy to us all present there to wish her a prosperous year ahead . 

The Wise Italian Grandfather

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch, instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘times up’? '  




A similiar post was also done on : 
http://gunmust.blogspot.com/2011/01/beauty-of-language.html

Contemplating my Largesse

Modern man's life is rather clumsy, for although we pretend to control our destinies, by and large it be an act of ultimate self deception that we control the myriad trials and tribulations of what we sow, although it is true our actions and/or inaction precludes certain options to our current state, but, i believe for the most part, we are careless things that blunder along the path of history until we eventually get to our appointed destinations.

All of this, of course, points to the quaint parochialism of the modern man's- 'Id' state (state of subconscious mind) which is, for most, a rather crude and blunt instrument at best.

The root of today's myriad problems troubling our societies is the question of identity (yours and mine) and theperpetuation of that identity over time.

(as popeye famously said; I am what I am, and that is all that I am!)

This, incidentally, is a question that is both personal as it is philosophical; and the individual, has to be made to look into the mirror of self-doubt to see the glimmer of reason tucked behind the cloud of untruths (in the Nietzsche an sense).

It has, in short, to be made to ask the same existentialist questions that we are all bound to ask ourselves sooner or later:

“what am I; why am I here; is this all I am; is this all I can be?”

Instructive in this respect, i believe, is the dialogue between the semi-divine hero Arjuna and the God Krishna that takes place on the eve of the great battle of Kurukshetra, (5000 yrs ago in India) which makes up the theme of the Bhagavad Gita, (equivalent to a Holy Book for Hindus) and which, incidentally, happens to also be one of the most important works of localised Hindu literature in Southeast Asia, locally rendered as the Hikayat Pandawa Lima.

Unable to lay his soul to rest the warrior-prince Arjuna contemplates the folly of life and the madness of power on the night before the great battle between the two warring clans of the Pandawas and Kurawas, cognisant of the fact that regardless of the outcome the battle will spell the doom of both.

Gnawing at his conscience is the perennial conundrum that he is unable to resolve: How can he, the warrior-prince, obey and comply with two apparently contradictory moral orders, the dharma of the just man who must respect life, and the dharma of the warrior who must destroy life itself?

It is Lord Krishna himself, (In one of his 10 reincarnations) who comes to Arjuna’s aid by offering him sage counsel that is equally relevant to the modern man of today.

Krishna reminds Arjuna that life is full of contradictions and that as a human being one of the first conditions to be met while living in the here-and-now is to accept, understand and live with these seemingly contrasting contradictions.

Arjuna (as a man) has to protect life, but he also has to kill (to protect a life).

He must be both prince and warrior, protector and killer. Having to bear the burden of both obligations is his destiny and he cannot escape this. ( As is the case with all of us, we have to be hunters and warriors and also husbands and protectors of virtue in our family life)

Arjuna was then faced with the last temptation before the great slaughter at Kurukshetra.

To simply give up.

He longs to relinquish all sense of responsibility, to escape, to deny his own agency and responsibility, to refuse to act, to do nothing.

But it is then that Krishna reveals himself in all his magnificent universal plenitude and shows Arjuna in no uncertain terms that Life is far greater than the individual.

While the warrior-prince is forced to do battle with his conscience, (in this life) Krishna reminds him that Life and one's soul is far greater, more complex, much richer than the finite conscience of the individual; (To understand today, one has to understand our yesterdays-or past lives and visualise what that impact will be on our tomorrows-or next life) and that even if the greatest of heroes cannot reconcile such contradictions in him, Life is far more abundant and expansive and great enough to reconcile all contradictions within itself.

That is the promise of the Lord.

The moral of the Bhagavad Gita – of which there are many – is that inaction is no escape from the complexities of life and that submission to Life means accepting the complexities, contradictions and paradoxes that make up mottled landscape of living itself. No, we cannot run from our fears and anxieties and we cannot gloss them over with counterfeit simple solutions either.

REMEMBER,REMEMBER,

The Spanish Conqueror,The Righteous Crusader,

"Aujourd'hui roi, demain rien”- the saying in french ...
The Kings of today will be but commoners tomorrow
The dust will settle,and dreams will be rendered, for through it all,amour should not be a sundered.

Confession Time.

Things are changing very fast, again for me. Life has once again thrown me a curveball and I’ve been hit.

My wife confessed to me the other day that she is in love with another man. A corporate type white man from England who’s slightly younger than her. They have been in a relationship for the past few months and she tells me to accept that she is only having fun and it is not serious (yet...in her own words); but she misses and loves the other person very much every day.

The reason she is telling me is because she doesn't want me to hear it from others first and hopefully by telling me herself, not cause me too much pain and heart sick.

Ouch.

This is not the first time that she has strayed as throughout our 23 years of marriage she had always had something on the side, every now and then, as have I.

But, we always knew our priorities was the marriage and family & we always came back home every night.

But this is the first time she is confessing she loves the other party.               Even when she was with anthony she never did that. This is also the first time, every time she mentions that other bloke her face lights up and she smiles without her knowing it. This time I'm anxious, frightened & worried all at once.

I can't sleep nor eat as i keep imagining this other person to be michelle's knight in shining armor come to sweep her away from us to fun and frolic leaving me bitter and lost as all along the years, I’ve always been the one to keep her happy. Because i knew inside her she ultimately was happy only with me.

I am writing this down because i understand that is no longer the case.

My pain needs an outlet to vent and this is as best a place as any for me to do that.

I want to say that I will survive; that i can as usual, win my wife\partner back to me.... but this time I’m not confident anymore.

I have always allowed michelle to have full control of her own desires & wants through access and control of both our finances so much so that i live out of the allowance that she provides me weekly as a way of making her confident in me and our ways. All our money, assets and valuables are in her name and control.

I took pride in the fact that i had nothing when i was born, I rose out of the poor house to fulfill all my family responsibilities and together with michelle managed to create a warm loving atmosphere in my santo sanctorum,(Family) and i will leave this earth without anything; but it looks like in my waning sunset days that is not quite enough to hold on to my wife's love and attention. She has learned to want more out of life.

She wants to enjoy the attention, love and pursuit of other men outside of our marriage.  She also wants me to accept her for what she is. She promised she still be responsible to our kids and family; will look after our responsibilities and welfare; and wants me to accept her back after she has had her fling (in case it doesn't work out); she wants me to be around to accept her back; so because of that she doesn't want us to talk of separation or anything like that.

God, i am bleeding in angst out here.

The anxiety of thinking of all the possible future dark days and outcome sickens me. How,what,when ...these questions begs an answer i cannot predict.

Last night, my wife told me thinking too much into these situation is not good for me and that I am worrying myself sick over something trivial. HUH ?

I am at a loss but ultimately believe god will show me a way. He will continue to guide and protect me in my moment of frustration and anxiety. Ask and he will provide.

I am gonna stop writing now to go throw up.